Understanding Sleep Divorce - Shepherd's Dream

Why couples are choosing separate beds for better sleep

We all know that sleep is a crucial foundation of our health and outlook on life, but when we sleep with another person in our bed, it’s not always a good fit. There may be snoring, lots of moving and shaking, a sleep apnea device making noise, or different sleep schedules that affect someone’s ability to get a good night’s rest. Dealing with those disruptions night after night can really take a toll, not just on a person, but on their relationship as well.

To remedy this, some couples opt for a sleep divorce. Sleep divorce…the name sounds ominous. However, it’s actually a choice many couples are making these days to enhance each others’ wellbeing. So, far from being a signal that all isn’t well, it’s an action taken to help the relationship, and experts agree that the phenomenon needs a new name.

But for now, we’ll call it sleep divorce. It’s a growing trend, with some organizations estimating that 1 in 5 couples sleep separately most or all of the time. This goes beyond the old cliché of sending the snoring husband to the couch—sleep divorce is a more conscious decision to help both people involved get the sleep they need.

So let’s talk about it.

Why Choose Sleep Divorce?

There are numerous reasons why a couple might decide sleep divorce is right for them:

Sleep Disturbances. Snoring. Restless leg syndrome. Different sleep schedules. Nightly blanket hijacking. Anything that disrupts one partner’s sleep repeatedly can be an issue.
Different Sleep Preferences. There can be differing needs for things like mattress firmness, the amount of light or darkness in the bedroom, temperature, and noise levels.
Health Reasons. Sleeping apart can help with sleep disruption from sleep apnea devices, new babies, and other health-related concerns.
Work Schedules. If you’ve got a shift worker in the house, it may be tough to coordinate peaceful sleep together.

Benefits of Sleep Divorce

Sleep divorce may be right for you if any of the following sounds like a bonus:

Improved Sleep Quality. Finally get the rest you’ve been needing if you’re experiencing disturbances.
Enhanced Health. Getting a good night’s rest boosts physical and mental health and performance.
Reduced Relationship Stress. If nighttime disruptions have become a sticky issue, sleep divorce can help put those issues to bed and lead to less tension in the relationship.
Reignite the Spark. For some couples, the space can actually reignite their sexual connection due to the conscious thought required.
Personal Space. With busy lives, relationships, kids, and pets, sometimes we just need some quiet alone time.

Drawbacks of Sleep Divorce

Sleep divorce is not a decision to arrive at lightly, and if it’s made, it’s usually because the situation has gotten to a point where something needs to change. While it may solve some problems, others may arise:

Emotional Distance. Feelings of disconnect and loneliness can occur.
Social Stigma. Couples may worry about what their friends or family think about them sleeping apart.
Intimacy Challenges. Sleeping apart may result in less physical closeness and spontaneous intimacy.
Logistical Issues. Money and space for separate bedrooms can be a limiting factor.

Discussing Sleep Divorce

Ready to make the split? Here are some tips for getting started:

Good Communication. While the sleep issues may be causing friction, try to keep the conversation neutral and free of blame—nobody wants to keep their partner up all night with behavior they can’t change or control. Maintain the goal of helping everyone get a better night’s sleep for their wellbeing. If you’re not already in couples’ counseling, a third-party might be helpful for the conversation.
Compromise and Flexibility. Be sure to listen to each other’s needs and find that common ground.
Maintain Intimacy. Physical and sexual intimacy is an important touchstone of every union. Be sure to build it into the plan.
Trial Period. Try a dry run to see if it’s the solution. And don’t forget, it’s not permanent and can be adjusted as needed.

All in the Name of Good Sleep

While sleep divorce may sound scary, in practice, it can be just the thing for couples who love and care about each other, but are just not compatible bedroom sleeping buddies. It can help alleviate relationship tension, ease each partner’s sleep deficits, and even strengthen the bond.

And if you need help setting up a second bedroom, you know who to call!

Thanks for tuning in! If you’d like to learn more about healthy sleep, have we got some suggestions for you!

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